11:39 p.m. - Tuesday, Dec. 21, 2004
It all comes out
Sitting here bored to death and I thought I would update. I don't know why blogging doesn't hold my interest like it used to. I barely even keep a paper diary.
I think maybe it's beause I needed an escape from Lonnie when I lived with him and now that I don't, maybe not so much...I really don't know.
Lonnie...what a freaking trip. Let me rephrase that. FUCKING trip.
Here's what has happened in the last six month that I've been gone:

1. I was gonna divorce him but we reconciled and the plan was to get a job and get him here. He has helped me zero in this. He keeps saying, 'as soon as you get a job and a place, I'll move there'. I figured out a really really long time ago that he is bullshitting me.

2. HE IS NOT TAKING CARE OF JESSE! He has a job and he has not sent one dime to take care of her. When I've confronted him about this, he has said that he thought he didn't have to because my Mom and Jeff were paying for everything. I've asked him for money lots of times and all he can do is bitch about how all I talk about is money and accuse me of spending it on myself (to have my nails done is what he actually said) and not on Jesse. So, I've sued his ass for child support.

3. He goes for weeks at a time without calling to ask about Jesse and when he does call, I'm always the first to bring Jesse up.

4. He does not come to see her. Before she wound up in Huntington with us last month, he had not been to see her since her birthday in SEPTEMBER.

5. I went to see him alone last month and my car broke down. Long story short, got jerked around about when/if it was going to be worked on. I missed THANKSGIVING with my family because I was fucking sttranded in Huntington with him. Mom and Jeff offered to drive halfway to get me and Lonnie refused to take me because it meant he would have had to have gotten up early.
So, my Thanksgiving was spent ALONE at the trailor with NO phone, NO satellite and NO car. Lonnie took Jesse to see his family for Thanksgiving. I will NEVER forgive that prick for THIS.

6. Mom and Jeff came and got me later on and my car is still in Huntington. Lonnie jerked my ass around for 3 weeks when *I* would call him to ask if it had been worked on yet. I called him a few days ago and he casually says, "I've been driving it. My car broke down." I am fucking livid! He's fucking lying to me!
He's supposed to come see Jesse Thursday and if he brings the car, I'll be driving him home. If not, the police will be called upon to get involved in getting the car back because it is REGISTERED to ME! Lonnie is of the opinion that because his grandparents paid it off that it belongs to them. In that respect, yes, but re read the former.

I FUCKING HATE HIM! I WISH HE WOULD DIE! I CAN'T REMEMBER EVER HAVING HATED HIM THIS MUCH! HE HAS DONE NOTHING BUT FUCK WITH MY HEAD SINCE MAY!
Did I write about the night I got pissed and threw my wedding ring at him? I searched the house for months looking for it and he swore all over the place he had not seen it. I accused him of having it and hiding it from me and he said that he wasn't. After 5 months of looking, he hands it to me!
FUCK HIM. I still don't have a job, but I'm in the middle of getting my perverbial crap together and applying for school in the spring. Whatever. I hope he dies. For real this time.
I hope his whole goddmaned family dies. I hate them all.
The only thing Lonnie and I have in common anymore is sex and that isn't even worth my time. It never was. He's a bitch about that, too.
He's raped me for the last time as far as I'm concerned. In my mind, it will always be rape. I don't know why I was dumb enough to keep it to myself. Consentual rape is the only way I can define it.
We're in the middle of foreplay, I say 'no' and seconds later he's doing what I asked him not to. Or, he's about to do something that I don't want and I say 'no' and he says 'trust me' and does it anyway.
I hate him.
I've lost count of all the times I've pretended to be asleep while he's tried to wake me up with foreplay. I learned that he doesn't care. He did what he wanted anyway.
I despise the way he has made me feel. I despise him.
Goodnight.

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