10:49 p.m. - Tuesday, Sept. 28, 2004
I really wanna be happy
Sometimes I wish I put as much time into this diary as I do other online things. I wish I put in the time and energy into this diary like I used to. I kind of wonder if maybe I shouldn't just begin again...I think I would keep up with it if I did.
Something about the idea of a new diary...I don't know. But then I think that there may not be any point because starting all over, there should be better things that lie ahead, better things to write about.
Not so in my case.
I just want to be happy and believe it or not, I get sick of whining and bitching and being so miserable.
I thought leaving Lonnie would be a good thing but then his grandparents decided to be assholes and then he was being an asshole, things got worse. We reconciled and I think I screwed up there because although Jesse deserves a family, I don't feel like I did the right thing. I want some sort of freedom...something for me and I can't do that with Lonnie, obviously. I want to see other people...meet someone who isn't like him...but I'm shy and I have low self-esteem because I know I look awful...I don't know what I think of Lonnie anymore at all, to be honest. I don't know if I love him or not. I don't know if I'm just so aggravated with him that it's clouding everything else or if I'm just plain numb for a reason. I don't know how to figure my feelings out.
I guess I wanted him and me to move up here because I think the way his family interferes is a huge problem and without them, maybe things would be better and I could figure it out then.
I'm so screwed up. I wish I could get a sign-I wish things could go right for a change.
I know that Lonnie has some ulterior motive of somekind...if he really wanted to move, he would have done so already. He has a job and he could probably transfer.
If he cared anything about his daughter, he would call more often than he does, make trips to see her and send her money like he said he would. (I came here in July with every intention to divorce him and now that I'm not, I have yet to throw away the divorce papers...I was going to sue him for child support in the process of the divorce...long story short, although there is no divorce, he was served with papers concerning child support and he thinks that because we're supposedly ok now that he doesn't have to pay it...he does and I am suing him for support...he's gonna shit...I don't care if all I get is $50 a month...that is $50 he has not bothered to send to Jesse for things she needs)He never asks if she needs anything, never offers any money. This last time that he called (2 weeks later-had not seen him/heard from him since Jesse's bday party on the 11th) he never asked about Jesse. I had to tell him that Mom and Jeff had taken her to NC for the weekend.
I'm sick of it, I've written him a letter that I will most likely mail out tomorrow. He has no phone.
Mom is always on my ass about something and because of that, I hate it here. She's using as the excuse that she had a bad day at work and she has to take it out on me. Do you KNOW the bitching out I would receive if I was the one taking my bad day out on her??? She bitches at me and then doesn't expect me to react, like I don't have feelings and then informs me that "we're going to fight, people fight"...WTF??
I'm almost scared to be here sometimes because I don't know what will happen and I'm not trying to be dramatic.
Tonight, I was playing with Jesse and she hit her head on my nose...it hurt like hell and I said.."dammittohell!" and mom goes, "It doesn't do any good to say that."
"What do you mean?"
"Do you really want her (meaning Jesse) to talk like that?"
"I don't care."
(I looked at her and I knew I had said the wrong thing. I DON'T care. You can critisize me all you want, but I think Jesse can talk any way she wants to as long as she knows there's a time and place for her mouth. I really don't watch my mouth around her and probably never will even when she gets old enough to repeat it)
Anyway, Mom glares at me and says, "You don't care?"
I make a pathetic attempt to clear it up and tell her I was kidding.
"That was what you just said, wasn't it? You said that you didn't care!"
I said nothing other than "Good God" under my breath as I walked away from her.
She said nothing more. I don't think that because I'm here, they have a right to tell me how to raise my child.
Has anyone seen Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back?
Do you know at the beginning where Jay's Mom leaves him out in front of the store and she's cussing at him and that is a direct result of his fist word being "fuck"?
Well, I keep thinking of that scene as I'm going on a tangent about my mouth. I don't swear at Jesse, but I swear around her and never give it a second thought. I guess that makes me stupid and evil. Flame me. Whatever. I don't see where it's a problem, as long as she knows better.
So, I'm seeing a shrink. I go for an actual session this Thursday. I hope Mom will be happy. I don't think she will be because nothing I do for her does.

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