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10:10 p.m. - Thursday, Sept. 16, 2004 I hate the fact that things got so fucked up living in Huntington that I felt as though I had no choice but to come back here. I didn't think anything would be easy, but for fuckssake, give me a break! Tired of this constant BS where Mom and Jeff say that they don't mind me and Jesse living here while at the same time they take every fucking opportunity to tell me how much I aggravate them. "Yeah, you can stay here, but we're gonna make you feel like shit while you are." (That's from my head) If the shoe was on the other foot and she was living with me for some reason, I would go out of my way to make sure she felt welcome. I wouldn't make it known that she was aggrvating me if she were. I wish I could get my shit together and get the hell out of here, she's making me crazy. Her and Jeff...a few weeks ago, she jumped my shit for no reason and went on a tangent about how I had mental problems and I said, "yeah, and so do you," (it was a jab at the fact that she's on Effexor), Jeff jumped down my throat and procceded to talk to me like I was four-bitching me out and telling me that he basically found me aggravating and that my attempts at humor were more annoying than anything else. He said lots of other crap, but that mostly hurt my feelings because he and I have had the kind of relationship where all we did was joke. Since then, I don't joke with him, I don't talk to him unless I really have to. I fucking hate him now, really. I hate that I can't seem to find a job here. I hate that I don't feel like I have a home to go back to. I hate that Mom bought me some candy tonight called a "Birds nest"...chocolate covered coconut or some crap and she knows that I hate coconut...that same night that she and Jeff yelled at me, Mom said that I wasn't who she raised. She said I was mad at the world and I hated people and that she didn't know me. She said that she didn't think she wanted to. I cried about that so hard and then she fucking questions my tears and says that she can't understand why I'm upset, it's nothing to be upset about. I hate that she's running the goddamned show, she has this idea that I am SO fucked up and because she's on pills, I should be. I don't need anything, but because of her, because it will make HER happy, I have appilied and been apporved for insurance through the state and Monday, I have to go see a fucking therapist. FOR. HER. But, see, I know the drawback to this. It won't make her happy, not really. Nothing I say or do is right. I'm wrong for fighting with my inlaws, I'm wrong for coming up here, I'm wrong because Jesse isn't seeing her father like she should, I'm wrong for so many other reasons. I'm trying like hell to find a job and I have the chance to earn over $50 this weekend and it isn't looking like I'll be able to because I can't find a babysitter. Mom has been giving me money...like $25 out of almost every paycheck and she says that she doesn't mind BUT when she gets the chance, she throws it in my face like I ask for it and I don't. I have to remind her of this everytime. I have not asked for one damn thing since I have been here. I hate how she treats me like a kid...her latest gifts to me have been a Harry Potter journal and Harry Potter stationary...I was saying something (jokingly) about how I was a 12 year old trapped in the body of a 25 year old and Mom said she agreed with that...I hate how I have no one to vent to and I need someone...I don't think I can go to L anymore because everytime I do, he says, "And you want to move closer." It's like this: I'm pathetic. (I feel that way) I'm lonely. (My own fault) I have no life. (My own fault) I have no friends. (My own fault) It's just me and Jesse. I hate that when Mom and Jeff come home from work, it's never "Hi, Beth, how was your day?" It's always "Hi, Angelpuffy! (Mom's nickname for Jesse)" or "Hey, there, Jesse!" I was watching Mom play with Jesse tonight and as it has been since she was born, it was like I wasn't even in the room. I slipped away to come back here and log on for a few minutes and no one said a word until Mom yelled from the livingroom to ask me if that was The Breakfast Club on tv. When Mom calls from work during the day, it's always to ask about Jesse and 85% of the time, she's bitching at me for something I did or didn't do, or she's telling me what to do. I don't know that this entry makes sense. I don't care. I hurt so fucking much right now...thinking of Mom just about an hour ago telling me, "You aggravate me! Even in my dreams you aggravate me!" and then she went on about some dream she had in which I wouldn't listen to her. See, sometimes I think that it would be best if kids could somehow be born with the knowledge of survival because then we could seperate from our mothers. We wouldn't get attached and then there would be no one to love more than yourself. There would be no one to hurt you the way a mother can.
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