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2:07 p.m. - Tuesday, Jun. 15, 2004 I am so throughly pissed right now...lets see, where to start? L won't even try and be financially independent from his shit excuse for a family so they have been paying pretty much all of oyr bills for the last forever. They dropped $1300 on the car that they took away, gave him $300 for bills 2 weeks ago, and who knows what else in between... while he has paid water and electric (that I know of) he has neglected to pay other bills. Like our cellphones. We are going on 3 months behind and we owe our carrier $629.49. They shut them off today and there will be a reconnection fee of $25 per phone. I am so fucking disgusted. Basically because the cell is the only way that I can be contacted. L's supervisors call him on his cell. It's the only way either of us can be contacted. We have dial up which means we have a lan line phone but again, more apt to receive calls on my cell. Jesse has is a tad hoarse today and there is no money to go and buy her medicine...L says he will ask his dad for money. This. is. insane. It. is. out of. control. If L's check allows this week, I should be getting the car back. *crosses fingers* and then I can be on my way to getting the hell out of here. The longer I stay, the more pissed off I get. I'm trying to hold out for the car, to be honest. Shall I list the reasons why I'm pissed?? 1. L's asshole family gives him this money and he obviously isn't putting it where it NEEDS to go. He's so far behind on his student loans and he had to ask for a forbarence. AGAIN. He said that his doctor sent a bill to collections yesterday and as far as I know, he has no bill that would be far behind enough to be sent to collections. However, *I* do! He didn't pay it when we had the money and who knows what has happened with that bill? We owe the bank over $200 in overdraft fees on our joint account that he has not paid. He owes over $300 on his personal account at the same bank. I have 2 doctor bills that need paid and he hasn't even broached the subject of paying them. I owe unemployment $375 and he has not even tried to pay them, either. He owes thousands to Sam's Club on the credit card that I begged him not to get 2 years ago. He owes thousands to Best Buy on the credit card that we got to buy the frigging tv and tv stand. (I'm gonna assume that the BB card is thousands because it was originally $500, but I am adding late fees and interest). If I could gain my composure long enough to take that to L's grandparents and say that he is not spending this money as he should, would they even care?? Doubtful. 2. I have said this time and time and time and time again. I am not forgiving L's family for the way they have treated me. I am not forgiving L for running his mouth to his family about our business/problems. No matter how pissed I got at him, I trusted him and when he went and talked, it hurt. There is literally a big gaping hole where I used to trust him and there will never be anything that he could do to fill it. I have tried to talk to him about this and he is oblivious like he always is. He turns a deaf ear. He does not care. I can't live this way anymore. I won't. 3. When he went to dinner with his family last week, I didn't go. He came back and told me that the only thing that was said about me, was when his grandma said, "Beth is your wife and she will be treated as such." What the hell is that supposed to mean?? When I asked L, he gave me this bullshit story about how in his family they talk things out and don't hold any grudges and not speak to people for years at a time. What the hell is that?? I don't believe that for a New York minute!! If that were true, L and I would probably be on better terms than we are. 4. I recently found a leak in the small bathroom under the sink and I can't tell where it is coming from. The drain isn't wet anywhere, so I don't think it's cracked. The pipes aren't wet, so I don't think there is a leak there. All the water is on the bottom. I put a pot under the sink lastnight to see if it caught any water and it didn't. L is so freaking doless. The water is leaking out into the carpet and he needs to find the frigging leak and fix it before the damned floor dry rots and we have a hole. 5. Tired of looking at L and feeling like he is playing house. He is such a child. 6. Jesse and I have our own things that we do that make us laugh at one another. We have our own special way that we play and smile at eachother. (Well, I consider it special-such as playing "peek-a-boo" with her while she is in her highchair, or when she is standing up in her bed and I get on the floor and look up at her, she giggles at that because (I guess) it makes her feel 100 feet tall-just different things) God forbid that L see any of that because then he tries to imitate it and I really feel like he is intruding on private things between my daughter and me. Like he can't come up with anything on his own that she might like. 7. I am desperately trying to teach Jesse to play on her own. She is very spoiled and gets very pissed when she is left alone. Kid you not, I cannot go to the bathroom during the day without her screaming bloody murder. So, I leave her alone in her play yard and when she cries, he calls me mean and then goes to pick her up. (When he's awake or when he's asleep and he hears her from the bedroom). I figure she is fed, she's clean, what is the big? 8. You all think I whine and bitch? You should spend some time with him! 9. His answer for EVERYTHING is "I don't know." I am so tired of hearing that from him. Like, when we were alone 2 weeks ago at the Chinese restrant, I was talking to him about his laziness and I asked why he was like that to which he replied, "I don't know. I know I'm lazy, but I don't know why I am." "I don't know why I say things like that to you. I don't know that I'm doing it." How can you NOT know what you're saying to someone?? That has just become totally unacceptable to me from him. Tired of his excuses. 10. I don't care what it is, EVERYTHING is a fight with him and that is old. Finally. Heh. 11. I was watching someting on the America's Store channel one night while Jesse was asleep and he was at work. There was a portable jacuzzi with jets for sale for something like $900. I thought it was cool and I texted him to tell him about it. He said that it was cool and that if he had the grand to buy it, he would. I half jokingly sent him a message back telling him that he would have no problem getting it from his grandparents just like he could get the $600+ for our CELLPHONES. He goes on to say that it's like the chance that I would have sex with him: not gonna happen. I get pissed because he brings sex into it when there was no reason to and he can't figure out why I got offended?? (If you were feeling the way that I do, would YOU sleep with him??) 12. Tired of being taken for granted and having all of this mean exactly zero. I cannot wait to talk to my lawyer. I can't wait to get on with my life. I think I may just abstain from any kind of male/female shit for a while, they are not worth the hassle that they are. At the same time, I find myself planning out my personals ad. I cannot talk to my Mom anymore (again). When I talk about my frustration, the very first thing out of her mouth is, "Are you taking your medicine?"] God, if you only knew what that does to me!!! It's like rusty nails on a rusty blackboard coupled with having each and every one of my fingernails and toenails being pulled with a pair of pliers. I don't NEED this shit! I am only taking THIS SHIT because YOU (Mom) feel it will be the answer to all of my problems! That isn't so because you yourself are a problem when it comes to THIS SHIT and you won't leave it alone!!! I am only taking THIS SHIT because Jeff says that everyone finds it unbearable to be around me!! "Everyone" would consist of him, my Mom, my grandmother (dad's mom) and maybe the odd time with a cousin or an aunt when I am home. When I go home this weekend, I WILL be getting "everyone's" opinion! It is awfully damn funny how I was bouncing off the walls when I was a kid and no one did shit and now because I have all these feelings and am prone to hysterics when it gets REALLY bad, I need pills. I don't need pills. L and Mom have had entire discussions over me and my meds. I need to take them as far as they are concerned. I am sitting here staring at the Wellbutrin bottle and getting so pissed because this is not something I need or want. SO sick of everything coming back to "Are you taking your medicine?' It makes me feel like I am four and my Mom is saying, "If you don't eat your veggies then you can't go out and play." or "If you don't eat your meat, you can't have any pudding! How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?" (If you like Pink Floyd at all, you'll get that last sentence.) Heh. OR, I may as well be 3 and she's telling me that I won't grow and be strong if I don't drink my milk. Bad analogies there because I happen to LOVE veggies and milk, and I like meat. That being said, I guess I need to swallow this pill and be a good little girl. Thus endeth this entry. Hope ya'll are having a better Tuesday than me.
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