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8:43 p.m. - Thursday, Jun. 10, 2004 How muh longer must we endure this crap where paying folks can update like rabbits, but us more loyal freeloaders can't? Anyway. I'm feeling really crabby tonight. I don't know why, really. Yesterday wasn't my favorite, either. I've been on the Wellbutrin for 3 or 4 days now and can't tell a thing. Usually when I have been on nerve/dpression meds, I can actually feel some kind of change in myself. The only thing that seems to be really odd today is that I think I have hallucinated Yoshi (pictured below) in different places when he was actually nowhere near.
  I still want to do this divorce thing, but sometimes when I think about it, I get scared. Actually. physically, scared. I don't know what kind of crap that L's family would pull...there is nothing that they can prove on me. Anything and everything that L could possibly tell them would be all hearsay. I want full custody of Jesse and L can have visitations and while I don't really think that his family would fight for custody, I think of the dreaded 'what if?' I was talking to Mom about this on the phone lastnight and she said that she didn't think they would, either. However if they did, there wouldn't be a chance in hell for a few reasons.
1. L's Mom, her husband, and their son all live in a small, cramped, 4 room house. Hunter is 10 and shares a bunk bed with his parents. They moved from a spacious trailor into this house when Hunter was about 5 and up until he was probably 7, he slept in between his parents if not on the floor. They have been building more room onto the back of the house for years now and have gotten no further than brick walls that could be for a basement that stand maybe 2 or 3 feet high all around. My MIL has been known to buy furniture that she has no room for and she stores it at HER MIL's place if not in one of her mother's buildings. There is no room for a baby. 2. L's grandparents are not really well. His grandpa (on his mom's side) has chronic headaches because he has chronic back problems. His grandma has had heart surgery, has emphazema (sp?), and is basically blind. She has to use one of those 'seeing eye' magnifying machines to read anything. (How she can see to write L those checks for so much money, I don't know) Her sight is so bad that she almost cooked mac and cheese for L and I once that had bugs in it. 3. His dad has said that he doesn't want anything to do with Jesse until she can take care of herself. This is stuff that can be proven as well as some that is just hearsay as far as the court would be concerned. (Like #3 although he really did say that, there is no way to prove it.) Mom said that she wrote me a letter, I can't wait to get it. I love to get letters from my Mom. However, I don't think it will be anything too bad or too good. I'm afraid that she may tell me to just back off of this whole divorce thing because of the uproar that will ensue. I'm worried that she may try and convince me to just try and get along with my inlaws as best I can and just try and deal with L. I can't. He has broken my trust. I am so hurt that he went and blabbed to his family like that about our business. About how he pisses me off so bad and I tell him exactly what I think of him. I may have hurt him when I said that I wanted a divorce before, but I still had some trust in him. I can never trust him again. Ever. I can never look at his Mom again after the way she talked to me. I can't forgive her and I will not. I can't forgive them taking my car away just because they will be making the payments on it. It isn't as if we weren't. I sit here day in and day out and I have some serious cabin fever. I need to get the hell out of this house. Without L. They have taken away any and all freedom of mine and it kills me. It makes me sick to look outside and see nothing sitting there after L goes to work. It makes me sick to look out there and see only his car. I can't take Jesse anywhere. I can't go anywhere. I can't even go see my own mother. I think that they think I will still leave and they are using that car to keep me here. L will be getting paid soon and we'll see where the money goes. He had a double shift and should have a decent check. All we need is $170 to start the insurance and I'm going to guess roughly $60 to get the plates, registration, and inspection taken care of. But, yeah, back to my Mom's letter. I like to think that she knows how I feel and that she wouldn't want me to continue to feel this way. At the same time, I think of all of those times when I was a kid and I would have my sights set on something, Mom would advise me to just "grin and bear it" because otherwise there would be trouble. I can only wait and see when the letter comes. I'm feeling lower than dirt right now.
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