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10:27 a.m. - Friday, Jun. 04, 2004 Jeff says that I'm unbearable to be around and that no one can stand to be around me and Mom agrees. I need to take Welbutrin, accroding to them. I'm gonna try to go home and check myself into a hospital, I think. L has made me this way. He can have my fucking doctor bills and not pay them, too. We were supposed to talk this shit out for the millionth time lastnight and I wound up screaming at him and then later on falling asleep. I didn't feel up to it because I had/have a tremendous headache due top all the shit that went on lastnight. He swears that he isn't telling his family anything this time but I know that he is. He's calling my Mom and telling her about it. I don't know why I stay. He's making me worse, his family is making me worse. I'm gonna leave. I hope the fucking bastard dies. I hope his whole fucking family is fucking slaughtered. His mom is a cunt. I don't want to look at those assholes after the way they have treated me and I don't want them in my house. I have said as much...what does L go and do? He TELLS them (after saying he wouldn't-yes, I'm retarded) so now they're pissed at me. His fucking grandparents are keeping my car since they are making the payments on it. What bullshit is that?? That isn't the only reason they are keeping it. That is their excuse. They have just plopped $1300 down on that car and are bitching about it. Well, if L wasn't a broke ass peice of shit who won't get a second/better job to pay bills, we wouldn't be in this mess, now would we? He's been interviewing at Wal Mart-a job that only pays $6 something an hour..supposedly that is going to be his second job. Whatever happened to "Beth is being unreasonable!" and "I work 40 hours a week as it is! When am I going to find time for a second job?" He isn't even going to his fucking interview today. It's 10:48, he needs to be up and getting ready because he has to be there at noon and his lazy ass is still in bed! It pisses me off so much that he relies on me to wake him up, he is so damn irresponsible that he can't get himself out of bed. Well, no more. I am so scared to leave. I'm terrified because I don't know what his family will do. I'll need to get a job when I move back home, but how do I do that without a car? I have no modem in my computer so I don't know when I'll be online again. This sounds all out of sorts, I'm sure. I read this today and it's very sad and very true, I guess. I am so very sorry for everything. Sorry I met him. Sorry I continuted to hang around him. Sorry I married him. I am truly paying the price now. Jesse went home with Mom and Jeff and we are to get her Sunday.
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