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6:46 p.m. - Tuesday, Jun. 01, 2004 What crap. I have run numerous virus scans and can't find a thing. I wish I knew how to stop it. I had that one virus that would download crap and store icons on your desktop, browser and harddrive but I think I got rid of that. I hope. Viruses blow. So, I should have my new layout sometime this week (hoping by the end of the night because the girl left me a note saying Monday or Tuesday)...I can't wait to see how it looks!!! I think it'll be huge!! I should never write when I come back from "vacation" (aka my Mom's). I'm tired and I can't really think straight. As if I weren't confused enough these days. L is off from work tody, he sat around here all morning and when I said, "Let's go somewhere," he says that he has to catch some guy out on the ridge to do inspection on his car. The sticker ran out yesterday, so around 1 something, he leaves. I get a text message saying that he was going to Mommy to get his hair trimmed. That pissed me off. I have never seen one fag suck so much family dick. God, I'm crude. Not proud of it or anything, but I am. I think my anger fuels a lot of the awful things I say. Oh, well. This diary is locked and if I want to say that L is a fucking family fag then I will. If I want to say that I think his mom is a skank, bitch, cunt-faced whore then I can. If I want to say that his grandmother is a wrinkled old bag that should get her motherfucking shit straight, then I can. I found out over the weekend that she had called my Mom the night that the cunt-faced whore blew up at me. She told some of the things that she had said to me but not all and she lied about things that were said. She said that my MIL didn't gang up on me, she told that I had called L a MOTHERFUCKER (which I did say "Motherfucker!" but I was not calling him that, I was using that word at the situation). She said that she was calling my Mom out of desperation and Mom told her that she wasn't the one that she needed to be talking to. Yet the old bag continued to talk. What pisses me off is that she told Mom that the licence was dead and it isn't. Mom goes, "That licence isn't dead." "Oh, yes it is." There is no insurance. The inspection sticker has been dead since November. I have no registration for some reason, but the fucking plate itself does not expire until September. At any rate, L gets paid this week and we should be able to get insurance on the car. I'm gonna try and scam some cash out of him so I can do something about the registration, get the car inspected, and order new plates that say "Fuck off." So, I have really had it since this all came down and I so did not want to come back here yesterday. I cried. I don't want to go live with my Mom for a few months....she says that I will have to go by her rules since I will be in her house. In a way, I can understand that. In another way, it just pisses me off because I never set rules for her and Jeff when they are here. And, "rules" like I'm a kid or something. What the hell?? I can't take much more of this shit. I refuse to. For real this time. Mom is supposed to talk to a lawyer/legal aid attorney friend of hers to see if she can take a divorce case in this county. But we have to get things worked out with her before I announce that I WILL be leaving L. I realize that Jesse and I will be alone. I realize that I won't have a 6 figure job. I realize that I will have to be in state assisted programs. I realize that I may not get more than $50 a month in child support from L. But, as hard as I know it will be, at the same time, I like to think that she and I will have better lives than what we currently do. I never wanted her to come from a broken home because I know what it is like when you grow up in a home where all your parents do is fight. I know what it's like when the people you love most in the world don't love eachother anymore. But, she's young enough where she wouldn't have to experience anything like the last thing that I mentioned. I never wanted to bring her into thos period. I had sincerely hoped that things would be better. I guess I'm dumber than I thought. I like to think that maybe I can do better by her and that maybe I actually will meet someone who will be ginuinly (sp?)caring about she and I. They'll care whether or not we have things that we need. They'll care whether or not I have any kind of life beyond Jesse. They won't do things to me that L has. Things that I have let him do because I didn't know what else TO do. You can say that I am pathetic for this, but L is the only guy I have ever slept with. In the BeforeTime, I thought that was kind of romantic. He has been with 3 other girls that I know of, but I didn't care about that. I kind of treasured that he was my first for some reason. I got caught up in the romance and I let it take me over. I let it let me follow him down here to Hell. I let it let me marry him because I didn't want to be alone. My Mom didn't want me to marry him and I wish that I hadn't. This has been the worst 6 years of my life and I am certainly paying the price for it. I am so sorry for all of the fucking up I have done in the last 6 years. I never thought that I could hate as much as I have come to hate. I have let it consume me like fire. I'll say it again: "Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life." And it's true. My life is basically empty and because a lot of the time I have nothing better to do, I hate L like I do. I don't hate him for no reason. But because every other aspect is so empty, I have to fill it with something. I'm pathetic, I know. I just wish I could go back and do things over. I wish I hadn't have wasted my virginity on L. As sick as it is, I kind of wish I would have wasted it on the bozo that didn't care anything about me. The boyfriend that never took me anywhere or bought me anything. The boyfriend that was 20 and lived with his mom and younger brother. The boyfriend that probably cheated on me because I didn't sleep with him. I went with him because I thought he was damn fine (dark complected because he was part Indian, he had dark eyes and hair) and I later learned that he was the best make-out I had had. Heh. I often wish that I had slept with him. Just to see what he was like. I could have used him too but I was very much in love with him, he was my first real boyfriend if you can call it that. I don't want to be a slut or anything, but I just wish I had had more sex. L isn't even worth it in that way. It's pretty bad that I think he's lousy in bed and he is all I have ever slept with. ANYway...I'm thinking of sending the follwing to my bastard FIL: I don't think that L is suicidal. So the guilt trip that you tried to lay on me about that didn't work, just so you know. However, it seems that you do think he is suicidal. If you do, then why give him sleeping pills? Why not just give him a loaded gun? He doesn't need them and I would appareciate it if you stopped giving them to him, I will just continue to throw them away. Thanks. Thoughts?
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