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12:54 p.m. - Tuesday, May. 11, 2004 Well, I'm giving in. I finished setting up the layout and guestbook today, so here it is. I've told you about it. It's off to a very slow start and maybe it'll get better eventually if he keeps up with it. "If" being the key word here. He's actually a pretty good writer when he sets his mind to it. What else? Visits with my mom never last as long as I would like them to. In the short time that we do spend together, we sometimes do have nice talks. I like being a stay at home mom because I have a certain amount of freedom to my schedule. I hate it because L doesn't make any money to get our heads above water and there are things that are needed and he doesn't appear to care. I am in bad need of some new clothes and everytime I start in about it, all he can say is, "So do I." This isn't true. He has nice clothes-better clothes than I do. The majority of his clothes don't consist of things he wore in highschool, things he wore 5 and 10 years ago, jeans that are fraying on the cuffs. I still have my maternity clothes and I still wear a few of the shirts that I did when I was pregnant. I sometimes wonder if a reason I stay pent up in this house is because I know I have ugly clothes and I don't feel like I can go out in public in what I have. There is no reason why L couldn't give up paying a bill for a couple of weeks to let me go get some clothes, but he won't. He has his family buying him nice clothes everytime he take a shit and what do I have? Nada. I love my daughter, don't get me wrong, but I need more to my life than her sometimes. I need to get out and have adult interaction, whether it be going to school or just hanging out in various places. Thing is, I have a lack of a good babysitter. God forbid my MIL watch her for any more than 8 hours. There was when I was sick at Christmas, but I guess that was a bit much. I wish Mom had taken Jesse back with her when she came down. And, if I was doing anything with my life, there are the never ending questions, the glares, the comments, this that and who knows what else. These folks are old school and they all believe that the woman should do all the cooking, cleaning and child rearing and then if she wants a life then she can wait until said child is out of the house. My mom didn't do anything for herself until I was like 13 or 14 years old and I don't want to be like that. If she had gone to school earlier, got her job, she could probably be retired by now or close to it and enjoying her life. If I had the chance to do something with my life, I don't know what it would be. I don't know that I would go back to school, but I might like to take *A* class. I've always thought it would be nice to have my own business, but there is nothing that I can do, so what would my business be? I share these things with L and I get no real reaction from him. He never says, "Yeah, you should." He just says, "Yeah." He can say that he cares about me and things I want, but it isn't true. Actions are louder than words. He can SAY that he would support this dream, but DOES nothing to show that he would support it. Being passive. Watching tv when I'm talking to him. Not fully acknowledging that I am wanting something more from this life. And, really, that is enough to make me want to leave. Mom cares that I want more. I care that I want more. If I should go and be on my own, I would have to find a job. I realize that. I would have to have a roof over my head and Jesse's. I would have to pay bills by myself. I realize these things and so much more but sometimes I think I really could do it. If I could find a night job, I would have Mom and Jeff to babysit. If not, I would have a few other babysitters that would help out until Mom and Jeff could. I knew this would come. When I was pregnant, I said, "it wasn't as though I was doing anything with my life, but now if I wanted to, I couldn't because I'd have a baby." I'm not like the women in this family. If L came home with a $450 used gun cabinet at 3 in the morning, I wouldn't get out of bed to help him haul it in his mom's house, as HIS mom did for her husband. I wouldn't ask "if it was ok" for me to go to a cake class that I that been paid for since last year, I would just go. I wouldn't let some stupid man tell me that "I knew better" when I mistakingly got plates to small for a slice of cake and gave them to guests. I wouldn't let (and I don't) some man boss me around like the men do the women in this family. You get the idea. Deep down, I am a free spirit and I hate being held down. I hate not being taken at face value and having to fight to be taken as such. I need such a change in my life. I'll go crazy if I don't.
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