9:49 p.m. - Tuesday, May. 04, 2004
Everytime/Low moment

So, my MIL watched Jesse from 12:30 to 7:30 today and that was nice of her.

I'm at a particularly low point tonight.

I posted Britany's new song because 1.) I love that song/video and 2.) for tonight, it's kinda how I feel.

At this very moment, I want to shout and say how sorry I am.

Sorry that I have pushed people away as I have. Sorry that that is a huge character flaw that I have.

Lately, I have been really irritated that my inlaws don't call and ask about Jesse or me. I've been really irritated that they don't come by to see us, they don't offer to take her so I can have a break.

We have to ask for them to do that.

I just find it odd because my Mom asks atleast once or twice a month if she can take Jesse for a week.

I understand that people are busy, but, still, you would think that they would want to see that baby.

So, yeah, I had to meet my MIL at her Mom's house to get Jesse and I stayed and visited for a while, it was a nice time.

Driving back home, I was thinking about things and I actually asked myself, "well, Bethany, why is it that they don't come around? Do you think maybe it's because of your past acts of insanity? Like the way you freaked when they gave her tea when she was 3 months old? Like the way you freaked when your MIL didn't have all the bottles and pacifiers when she brought her back one night? Or what about the 'please call first' rule that you have? Or maybe it's just the fact that this wall you have around yourself is so obvious because it gets taller and taller all the time. You're short with people when you don't mean to be..."

So, it turned into this big drama in my head and I have come to the conclusion that it's all of the things I have just said.

Truth is, I have let up a lot about Jesse. Atleast, I feel that I have.

Now that she eats baby food, I feel better about what goes into her mouth, if that makes sense at all.

If someone wants to give her mashed potatoes or something off the table that she wouldn't choke on, then great.

When she had her shots this last time, the nurse gave me a sucker for her and I let her suck on it while I held it.

It was orange and she loved it. I plan to buy more for her as a treat when I go grocery shopping this week.

I'm not such a freak about sterilizing her bottles, I don't even do it anymore.

There are various things that aren't really even coming to mind at the moment, but I have changed where Jesse is concerned and...well, that's it. I have changed.

When I was with L's grandparents (well, grandma and my MIL) tonight, we were talking about Jesse getting a couple of new teeth in.

Somehow, his grandma gets on the subject of breastfeeding.

I said, "Yeah, I told L the other day that I was glad that I wasn't breastfeefing because Jesse's little teeth are so sharp." (she's developing this habit of biting people. This morning, she grabbed my thumb and bit it for no reason! LOL)

Anyway, she goes on to say that she had heard that if your baby bites you while breastfeeding, just smack them on the thigh and they'll eventually learn not to do it.

My MIL said that both L and Hunter did that and she smacked them.

In that minute, I thought how great it would be if I were closer to L's grandma and Mom because I bet they could teach me a lot. (Not like my Mom can't, but I'll assume you know what I mean.)

I've fucked things up as I often do.

I am incapable of having any kind of relationship. I don't know why.

Yes, L gets on my nerves and yes I think he's a total moron 95% of the time, but really, I need to just stop it and look past it all.

It kills me to say that because I think a sick part of me revels in being so mad and upset all the time for lack of anything else to do. (Other than take care of Jesse)

He may read this and kill me later, but I don't care.

Truth be told, L and I have not really slept together since I was 5 months pregnant.

We haven't shared a bed since Jesse was over a month old.

I have pushed him very far away and I don't really understand why.

I barely talk to him and he barely talks to me.

I'm scared to say this but sometimes I kind of miss him.

He's the only friend I have.

And last but not least, there's my Mom...she has always been in my corner.

She and I have been through hell and back together.

I want to enjoy the time I have with her, but sometimes it's hard.

Sometimes she makes it that way when she starts in about me getting medicated for nerves and depression.

Sometimes it's hard because...well, you know how it is when you're a kid you kind of have this idea that your parents will live forever?

That stayed with me because I guess I'm an idiot, I don't know.

Then when my Dad died, it was like WHAM!

It hit hard that no one really lives forever now matter how much you may want them to.

If I lose my Mom I am done for. That will be the end of me because I refuse to go on without her. I can't.

The thought of losing her terrifies me.

I'll be 26 this year and I still feel like I have so much to learn from her.

She has been such a great mother to me and while I know she gets on my case because she loves me, she still makes me crazy and that drives a huge wedge in between us.

The fact that she can't accept that night I went hysterical on the phone with her is who I am drives a wedge in between us.

I feel like all we do sometimes is drift and if that's true then it's because of me.

It all points back to me.

I don't know why I do things, I don't know why I say things, but goddammit I wish I could take it all away and make it better.

If I could, I would.

I'm not a talkative person in real life and that hurts a lot when I meet people.

Like, L's friend, Kelly...his girlfriend has lived with him for about 3 years now and I would swear that in that time, I have said very little to her.

I would love to go to their house and make friends with her...she has 2 boys, 1 year and 8 or 10 months...we excange pictures and emails, but when I see her in person, I clam up.

We both have kids, that's a starting point, one would think that you could build on that.

BUT, she has other friends and while that's cool, I'm just very insecure.

Every friend I have ever had has fucked me over in some way and I blame that for my insecurity.

I do better in a one on one situation because then all you have to focus on is eachother.

If I'm in a small group or a crowd, I get lost. I become invisible. It's a lonely feeling.

And, what if Missy (Kelly's girlfriend) doesn't like me? I'm boring.

I have no life.

ALL I do is stay home with Jesse. Day in and day out.

When she goes to bed, I stay up and get online so I can unwind. If I don't update my diary, I'm playing Sims.

When Jesse is away, I sleep and get online.

I sometimes leave the house but that is only to go grocery shopping or check the PO box.

Yeah, THAT's exciting. Heh.

L and I certainly don't go out anymore.

Mom will be here Saturday and she offered to watch Jesse if L and I wanted to go out.

My response was that he would be working.

"He can't work all the time."

"He does. And even if he didn't, there wouldn't be any money to go out on."

That was it.

Sunday will be my first Mother's Day and I don't expect jack from L. Our 3 year anniversary is this month and I don't care about that becaus I know that there is nothing special to be planned.

So, Sunday, I think Mom and I will just have a picnic by ourselves if it's a pretty day. We'll see.

But, I got away from my point. I'm boring.

I wish I were exciting, but I'm just not.

I'm sorry that I am so introverted and plain.

I'm sorry I'm so short and devoid of any good conversation.

I wish I were someone else.

But I'm just not.

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