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2:14 p.m. - Sunday, May. 02, 2004 Odd. Does anyone know where I can get a free tracker/counter? In other junk: I tend to not try and tell any of the crap that happens between L and I to my Mom. I don't want her to call bullshit on me later in a fight and I don't want her to tell me to leave him, like she always does. It's like she doesn't understand that my answer to her is always the same: "I have nowhere to go. No offense, but I don't want to live with you because we would constantly fight." And we would. Sometimes I can't go there for a week without her starting something with me. Sometimes I think I SHOULD leave, but really, what would that accomplish? Would he try and get a better job? Would he help out with Jesse more? Would he straighten up and realize that he needs to put childish things aside? No. If I left, I would need to find a place for Jesse and I. I wouldn't be able to do that unless I had a job. Mom says she would watch Jesse if I had a night job (she wants me to do janitorial work at a local college where my aunt would be my supervisor. I refuse to be a janitor, I'm sorry.) I could put Jesse in daycare in town. For those of you that have kids in daycare, that's cool for you, but personally I refuse to put Jesse in daycare because you hear too many horror stories. Sometimes I think it would be nice to be by myself for a while, but in a way, I'm by myself now and I hate it. L works and he can't really keep our heads above water. He doesn't take any responsibility for anything. He FINALLY mowed the yard yesterday but only because his dad came around here and MADE him. When he was done, I said something to him that I can't recall now and he said, "Yeah, maybe now they'll stop bitching." I went into this tangent about how they shouldn't have to bitch. I shouldn't have to bitch. He should just do it. It's insane. Getting him to help me with Jesse is like pulling teeth with him somtimes. Why he would be so adamant to be with his own daughter is beyond me. He got pissy because I asked him to get up with Jesse Friday night when he was off from work. I went to town yesterday to buy diapers and formula and left her with him. This was at 10:30 or so and he tells me before I leave, "I have to work tonight." "I know." "Don't stay gone too long." "I wasn't planning on it. I'm going to town and coming straight back. God, you are such an ass!" I was gone an hour. He got pissy this morning when I woke him up at noon to help with Jesse while I took a break on the computer. He got an attitude about that, too. What the hell?? I don't understand! She is his daughter! He is just as responsible for her as I am. Before Jesse was even conceived, I knew it would be this way. I would be doing it all alone and I would be bitter as hell that I have no help. I knew I would be a married single mom because I know how L is. So, yeah, there's this house literally across the road from my grandma's. (My dad's mom) This little old lady has rented it from her for years. As far as I know, she still does. Anyway, for the last 2 years or so, this little old lady hasn't been doing very well. She is in her 80's, she's had a stroke and has numerous health problems. Been in and out of the hospital, recently had a nasty bout of the flu. She has no one but her sister to take care of her and her sister isn't well herself. This little old lady isn't even dead yet and Mom thinks I should be talking to my grandma about moving into that house. It would be one hell of a fixer upper if I did. Siding is fairly new, new porch was built. Inside, the walls need scrubbed, needs new floors, needs paint, the pipes need replaced because the water is nothing but rust, something is up with her septic system, I don't even know about things like her stove and fridge, there is no air conditioning system to speak of, gas heat (which is a good thing if you can afford to keep your tank filled) and God knows what else. Mom says that grandma was charing $10 a month rent, but she might jack it up on me? There is too much time and money that needs to be spent on that house and no one has much of either. Yet, that house has been on my mind lately and I don't know why.
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