|
|
4:10 p.m. - Thursday, Apr. 29, 2004 But, as it is with me, there is always something. When you come back from something like having a baby, people are always nice. They're great. Everything is great. People are willing to help you in anyway that they can. I was laid for the fist month of Jesse's life and required quite a bit of help and what help I had was awesome. In the first few months, my MIL would come by and she would visit with Jesse and me, she would ask to babysit Jesse and all that stuff. In the last few months, not so much if at all. She doesn't call. She doesn't ask if she can babysit Jesse. Yes, she has been busy with her dad and her step mom because neither have been well, but I don't think that she has been so busy that she hasn't had time to see her granddaughter for something like 2 or 3 months. I don't expect her or anyone to drop their lives to give me a break, but the operative word here is break and I do need them from time to time. I don't expect her to be a mind reader, but I do expect that she call and ask if she can come and get Jesse because she is her granddaughter. Hell, when my Mom hasn't had Jesse for a while, she'll ask if she can come get her and take her home with her. It's just strange. Sometimes I wish I were closer to my inlaws, but at the same time I kind of like that I have this wall built up because that means...I don't know exactly what it means...but it feels good to have a barrier sometimes. Heh. I realize that L is their son and grandson, but I get tired of always discussing him with them. I have no identity with them other than I am "L's wife" and "Jesse's Mom" and that bugs me a little. I get tired of the fact that they don't come here unless they want to bitch about something L has or hasn't done. They don't call ME unless they can't get a hold of L. They don't come by unless they want something. On the few occasions that I have seen his grandmothers, they both tell me that I need to come by more often and it's like, "Why?" Why would I when all we're going to talk about is Jesse and L? Why would I when no one gives a flying fuck that I am someone other than HIS wife, the mother of HIS baby? Why would I want to talk about him when I spend so much of my time thinking about the shit he does that makes me crazy? No one listens. They don't know me and they don't know Jesse and it pisses me off that they assume that they do. -Mom wants to give me money so I can get the prescription I have for Wellbutrin filled. I don't want her to give me money and if she did, I wouldn't spend it on something that I don't feel like I need anyway. I hate going around and around and around and around with her about my mental well-being. (or, lack thereof, as far as she and the planet are concerned-heh) I have really feel like I have been doing well as far as my mental state goes. I yell at L, yes, but he does shit that makes me yell. He doesn't know when to back off and that is his problem. If my own mother can't stand me and thinks that I need to take pills just so she can then I don't know what this world is coming to. I'm sensitive. I feel. I'm human. I'm negative. I'm depressed. I'm happy. I live on a rollercoaster of emotions. OH. NO. GIVE ME A PILL SO I AM NO LONGER THESE THINGS. Holy Christ. I'm sure she is in a tizzy because I have said that I am not going to her doctor anymore. My insurance doesn't cover him totally. I got a bill for $168 or something from his office because my insurance would only pay so much. If this is what I have to pay everytime, I can't afford it and she knows this. I keep thinking about the night I went hystrical on the phone with my Mom. I wish that had never happened because she didn't care about me, she didn't listen as I feel a mother should, all she had cared about was whether or not I had taken my medicine and the fact that I supposedly talked to her like a dog. I didn't. I told her that I couldn't stand the fact that she feels she can start all this shit with me and then she can't handle it. She says and does everything she can to just drop it. She makes people step in when they need not step in. When I was in highschool, we would fight so bad that she would actually leave the house and go stay with her boyfriend for a week so she could get away from me. I wouldn't hear from her. I'd call wanting to talk to her and she would be very short with me. Then it got to where she would kick me out and make me go live with my dad who lived with my grandma at the time (and she lived less than a half a mile away) for a week and I wasn't allowed to come home any sooner. I wouldn't hear from her, wouldn't see her. If I was lucky, she might stop by to see grandma, but I sure as hell couldn't go home with her. Looking back on that now, I don't think I ever realized just how much it hurts. If Jesse and me ever fight like that, we're gonna finish it and no one is going to leave. I certainly wouldn't kick her out of her own home. -I'm annoyed over something that happened before Easter and because I have said that I would no longer rant about L in my diary, I have been holding off. I need to get this off my chest before I explode. So, this computer that I use these days is mine. I have never had my own computer and when I got it, I was thrilled because I'm a nerd. I'm protective of my computer. So, I was going to be away for Easter and L had mentioned his friend Chad coming by while I was gone and they would play some game on the network (my pc and L's pc are networked together and we share an internet connection) Fine. I was mad because I thought L could do things before he went to work like mow the yard and put away the heap of laundry in that is in the master bedroom like I have asked him to do for a month now. He spends to damn much time at the computer. But, whatever. L does what L wants. Anyway, for no reason whatsoever, I decided to passcode Windows. I felt like it. It's my computer after all. Well, it was fine and Jim Dandy until for some odd reason, my password wouldn't work when I tried to log in. I could swear I was typing it right. Well, fuck! Tech issue. Need L's expertise because I don't know how to fix this. He said he couldn't fix it and then he did. Later on, he gets pissed at me because I was being so private. And I'm all, "so the hell what? I'm a private person anyway! Get over it!" So, this blows over while I'm away and then it comes up while Jesse is at Mom's and L accuses me of having another diary online that he knows nothing about! A diary where I REALLY do some bitching about him! I don't! I have THIS diary! He reads THIS diary! WTF?? I told him that I didn't and that was the end of it. I don't have another diary, but even if I did, so the hell what? It would be my business! (That felt good, thanks for indulging me. Heh.) L is warped, I do believe and it gets exceedingly worse sometimes. Like I get cravings for stuff and he "jokingly" accuses me of being pregnant again. Well, that would be funny since we aren't sleeping together and I NEVER leave this house! When and if I do, I have Jesse with me and we don't pick up men. Look at me, for crying out loud! I'm 5'5, long brown hair, I'm FAT, I am in BAD NEED of a dentist, I have problem skin, I have ugly clothes, I have a baby (and no one wants a woman with a baby) I'm a troll! Dayum! -When I bought the paint, picked and bought the flooring, bought the lamps, and asked my mom to help me with redecorating this computer room, I had every intention of using MY computer in it alone. I don't have anything and I just wanted a private space I could call mine, then L intrudes in here with his computer. If you only knew what a pain in the ass it is to sit here with him sometimes and have him reading over my shoulder as I type here or other wise. Barking commands at me on how to use Shareazaa like I have never used a mp3 program in my life. I don't know what I thought he would do with his computer, but I certainly didn't want him cluttering up a room that had so much of MY time and money invested in it. He didn't lift one single finger! He sat in a chair and watched me and Mom work, we had to run him off!
Well, I guess that is my rant for today. My MIL agreed to watch Jesse until 8 tonight, and I intend to leave here by 7:30 or so. I need to make some formula. Until next time.
|