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10:08 p.m. - Saturday, Apr. 17, 2004 It looks better and even FEELS better!! I called Mom because I just had to share it with her. It's lame to be so happy over something like that, but it's who I am. My next endavor will be to move all the junk out of the livingroom, rip up the carpet, paint the walls and lay down some tile. I can't believe that L was the help that he was today. I am really amazed by him, and really thankful for his help. I'm not going to sit here and talk about him like he's a saint. He isn't. He has done and said things that have hurt me as I am sure I have the same to him. But I want to say that sometimes he is better than he has been in the past. Now, things may change once Jesse comes home, I don't know. But since she's been gone, he has been really great about things: He did laundry while I was gone and didn't ruin anything! He kept the dishes up (and that's still pretty good in my book even if we do have a dishwasher). He DIDN'T, however, put away the clean clothes once they dried, but he DID fold clean towels and he even bought detergent!!!! He called me one night while I was at Mom's to ask me what kind of detergent I used. I told him and asked that while he was at it, would he buy Dreft and Biz for Jesse's clothes? When I came home, he had and it was the size and kind of Dreft and Biz that I usually buy!!! I was expecting to find the wrong thing. Again, he isn't Mr. Wonderful Perfect all of a sudden, but he has become some better, I think. Truth is, and the reason I said that I was going to stop griping about how he annoys the hell out of me is because I get tired of the same old shit myself. I get tired of feeling all the hurt and anger that I do when it comes to him. I get tired of writing about it and I am sure that you guys get tired of reading about it. Too, as I am sitting here typing this, I am feeling like as if something has been lifted from my shoulders. Tomorrow might be different and that might be ok, but I just want to go with what I'm feeling now. I can only hope that it lasts. I don't know what has come over me. I just know that this is how I like L. I like him so much better when he helps and is actually willing to. This is how it should be. It should have been this way from day one. I'm kind of nervous about feeling this and I am kind of scared to tell L about it because although he has said, "Tell me when I make you happy so I can continue to do it.", it doesn't mean that he will. My past experience has been that he will make sure I am happy for a period of time and then it's back to the way it was. I actually feel happy...this is weird. He said that we would work on the kitchen tomorrow and I can't wait to do that. It is so nice to have help. To have him help but it's heartbreaking to think that it won't last. And it's confusing not knowing why he can't keep up a certain behavior when he knows that this is all I have wanted from him. This and I want him to have a better job. Well, anyway, I'm kind of tired because I had a big day. I'm going to go crash in my "new" livingroom and watch some late night tv. Happy Saturday.
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