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8:21 a.m. - Friday, Apr. 16, 2004 I sometimes think about this whole pill issue...the Xanax, Effexor, Remeron and now I'll be on Wellbutrin (once I get it filled) and I personally don't think I need it. I have highs and lows like anyone else does and yes sometimes the best thing to do around me is just walk on eggshells because I have a hell of a temper. It can be ugly. I don't have an understanding as to why I need these pills. I don't understand why L and my Mom think I need them. L has said that I am easier to get along with, I don't get mad at evey little thing and I don't sress as much. My Mom, I don't think, has ever given a reason as to why she thinks I need this crap. I see myself as rather normal. Yes, I'm depressed, but I don't feel it's severe...atleast not today. Not this moment. That could change in a few hours or even tomorrow. I think Mom is trying to shut me up...make me into someone she can stand to be around. That hurts because that means that she can't accept me for me. When I freaked on her on the phone, that is who I am when I hurt. That's a fact. That is who I have always been when I hurt. I don't know why I act that way, but I can't help it. I have always had an attitude of some kind. I have never really been truly happy in my life. Yes, L does things that piss me off and make me miserable, but that's life. I stay for Jesse's sake and before that, I stayed because I didn't want to be alone. I'm going to try and stop talking here about just how much he pisses me off so that maybe it will help me stop venting about him in real life. I. won't. gripe. about. him. to. anyone. ever. When I talk to Mom from now on, everything will be happy and grand even when it's not. I learned this week that I can't talk to her like a friend. Only my Mom. That hurts because she is all I have and once upon a time, she was my best friend in the whole world. So, even when Jesse has had me up for 2 days straight and I have not had any sleep and L won't help me out, I won't gripe. I won't get mad or cranky. I'll supress every flippin' thing. I can't afford to keep going to this doctor of hers. I got a bill for over $100 on my first visit. I had to have lab work done and my insurance only paid so much...the bill I got was my copay. I don't know if I'll be billed for this last time or not. I won't know until I get the bill. Duh. I don't know a lot about how my insurance works and that's dumb of me. I think I can only see a doctor so many times a year and then once all my visits have been used up, I have to wait until next year or some crap. Anyway, if I get billed every time I go to the doctor and I tell Mom that I can't go because there isn't money to pay the doctor bills, that will set her off and no matter what I say, she'll think I'm lying. She'll get mad. God, I hate my life. I can't make my Mom happy and I don't know what else to do.
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