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9:28 p.m. - Monday, Apr. 05, 2004 I have thought a lot about this diary and how I don't want to be a gripe-fest about L like it usually is. I have other things that I can concentrate on...like Jesse, my thoughts on raising her, my Mom and my basic feelings about my family in general. For instance, something has been nagging at me lately and I don't know why. About a month or so ago, I went to Mom's doctor, because she basically made me. I said I would go because I wanted her to be happy. Said doctor put me on Remeron...supposed to calm my nerves and let me sleep and take me through the next day. I started on it and sometimes I take it and sometimes I don't. I don't know why, I just don't. I think it's because I just don't feel like I need it but at the same time, I know I do. It's weird, I don't know. At any rate, here is the deal: It pangs me when I am on meds and my Mom knows it because everything boils down to whether or not I am taking my meds. I know she is concerned, but she gets out of hand with it all. For instance, if I say the tiniest thing to her about anything, she asks if I am taking my medicine. I get annoyed with L, is Beth taking her medicine? Like 2 weeks ago, I had not slept for 2 days because Jesse had kept me up. So, L, took it upon himself to call Mom and tell her what was going on and then ask her to come and get Jesse because I would not accept help from his mom. Yes, she said I could call her at anytime if I needed anything, but I have this fucked up belief that when people say that, they don't mean it, so I just as soon not call. So, L is telling me this and he tells me that Mom asked him whether or not I was taking my medicine!! Remeron makes me sleepy! Jesse was up and I could not have that crap in my system adding to the lack of sleep that was dragging me down to begin with. My meds are a very very touchy subject with me and my mom. I don't appareciate being asked about it and I don't appreciate her analyzing everything and relating things I say and or do to whether or not I have taken my meds. When I was on Effexor, my GAWD! Of course, it was CONSTANTLY, "Have you taken your Effexor?" I was TERRIFIED to tell her that I forgot...I am human, I do that and the drug causes memory loss...but if I lied, she would catch me like she always does because she has drug radar. "No, I forgot it." "BETH-ANY, you have GOT to remember to take your medicine! They say it's like playing Russian Roulette. You can't forget it for a few days and then start back." I let her believe what she wanted, but I also did what I wanted because I didn't like the way that stuff made me feel. So, I'll be leaving this Friday top spend the Easter holiday with her and other family. I have an appointment with this doctor of hers Tuesday and I don't want to go. Jesse went to the doctor last week, the day after she fell because it had been scheduled ahead of time. She was suppoosed to have her well-baby shots, but because she had a small cold and was carrying a low-grade fever, she didn't get them. So, the doctor wants to see her back in 2 weeks... Well, as it stands now, her appointment is the day after mine, and I am going to have to call and reschedule Jesse's appointment. This happened last month when Jesse and I both had doctors appointments. I missed mine and had to call and reschedule. I had to reschedule Jesse's. Went to Jesse's and when I told Mom I would skip mine, she gave a big me a big, fat "NO!". So, this means a reschedule for Jesse. I hate doing that. It's a mess. I have to keep this appointment to keep my Mom happy...unreal, I am 25 and she rules my life sometimes like she is...I don't know...what do you call it when your mother is just too motherly?? Anyway, it's getting late and I have bottles that I need to make up. Story of my life, but that is another entry. G'nite.
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