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7:48 p.m. - Tuesday, Mar. 09, 2004 I hit a key and deleted every last word!!! It serves me right, I guess, because I was mostly bitching about people who were TOTALLY computer illerate because there was this woman next to me who made me stop what I was doing every 2 seconds to help her. She was so bad that she didn't know what a cursor was. Didn't know what a spacebar or tab key was, even. It was very sad. But, me being me, I was kind enough to help her...no matter that I had myself on a sechedlue and that because of her, I didn't have the time to redo my entry. I'm still checking up on my diary pals, just so you know. I still have no computer at home to speak of, I still have no phone/internet connection. In a way, it's been nice because...well, I don't exactly know why I think it's nice, but I do. But it also sucks because I have to wait until I can get into town by myself before I can update and check up on you guys. It sucks because I can't come here and write about things that have happened, things that I think and feel as I think and feel them, as they have happened. Kinda makes for a less emotion filled diary, I guess. Nothing much has happened, really. I haven't had much sleep, so Mom took Jesse for the weekend for me, so I could sleep. Mom and I met in Institute and I got Jesse on Sunday. I have spent the last few days just really, really, REALLY feeling sorry for myself. I don't know why, exactly. I have found that I am desperately wanting a life beyond taking care of Jesse and waiting for Tuesdays to roll around because that is a day that L has off from work and that is a day that is alotted to me to go out and be by myself. I don't cherish Tueday's like I once did because I guess I feel as though I need more. I feel utterly alone and just flat out stuck. I don't have any help with Jesse, really. It seems like L begrudgingly takes care of his daughter no matter what he says or does. Today is kind of a good example. I put Jesse to bed around 8:30 or so lastnight. I myself went to bed probably around 9:30 or 10. L had gone out for the day, come back in the afternoon and then had left again at around 5 or 6. He went to Chad's and at 11, he wasn't home. He woke me up at midnight to tell me he was home and he went straight to bed. Jesse started fussing at 1:30-I went to check on her and she seemed fine, so I went back to bed. 2-Jesse fussing. She's making a cranky face in her sleep and shaking her head. I gave her her pacifier and she was fine. I went back to bed. 3:30-Same thing. 5-She's fussing and I went to check on her and she was up. I made L get out of bed to take care of her-it was closer to 6 when I got to lay back down. 9 a.m. L comes into the room I was sleeping in to get his dentures (yes, laugh, he's 25 and has dentures) and wakes me up. I say, "give me another hour" At 10 ON THE *DOT* he comes in and wakes me up stating that he can lie down now since Jesse has been fighting sleep since she has been awake and fed. I am pissed because today is my day and I wanted to leave the house early-like by 11 or noon. He had his day yesterday and I was tired, too, he knew as much and he certainly didn't let me sleep. So, fine, I get up and tell him that Jesse's bottles need to be fixed (the bottles themselves had been cleaned in the dishwasher-the nipples and other parts just needed sterilized (just a habit since Jesse had thrush when she was a week old) and her formula needed to be made) Well, L gets a little 'tude and says, "the sooner I go to bed, the sooner I'll get up" "It would help me if you did her bottles." So, begrudginly, he did them and it was like 11:30 by now. I tell him that he's getting up at 3 and he has to tell me that it's a little less than 3 hours from now. "Yep." He goes on and when 3 rolls around, I just let him be because I have done so much thinking since he laid down that I am just livid with him. He got himself up after 3. I was watching something on tv that went off at 5, so I finish watching it, shower, and leave the house. It's like this, he goes through life making mistake after mistake because someone always cleans up after him. God forbid he have any responsibility for himself. He can have a daughter as long as *I* raise her basically alone for the most part. I don't understand. Did he think we were playing house??!?!?!?!??? Did he think thar it wasn't real?!?!?!?? I need a life so badly. No one cares about that but me. I don't regret my daughter-I guess I feel the need to say that in case someone decides to accuse me of such. I just need to do something else. The library is about to close, so I should go. Just because I don't have the opportunity to get on everyday doesn't mean that ya'll can't sign my guestbook and my notes, ya know! :P Show me some LUV 'cuz I be needin' it, yo.
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